Diary Of An Ambivert.

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DISCLAIMER: The twaddling I am about to do has nothing to do with 10 signs of being an ambivert.

I had arrived a bit late to my batchmate’s birthday party at the familiar hotel in the heart of our Srinagar. But that didn’t stop me from shaking some legs (and ass) at the dance floor or munching the starters till I didn’t need the main course.

But after the usual greetings, the pretending-busy-with-the-phone till anything interesting begins; the non-veg jokes and banter, or amid all of it, I felt the need to go back and binge on Netflix. Or read ‘One Hundred years of solitude’ or something from the ceaseless pile of ‘To Read’ lists.

I like the parties for the food, little dancing and rarely an interesting conversation. But the thing that happened at the above party has become a vicious pattern of sorts for me. To like company, but not it’s excess. To be in the center of the dance floor, dancing your guts out, but to also avoid too many stares.

I remember the last time I said no to the idea of a trip. My reclusive friend, Pooja’s question was whether I will ever go on a solo trip.

But I also remember the other time when I adamantly said no to a meticulously planned trip by some friends. The problem was the final count for the trip was 25 people after including everyone’s Baby and Beba. I love vacations ; I hate circuses.

My vision of a solo trip involves going on a trip with your ‘inner circle’ buddies where you can carve out your own personal space and reflections over life whenever you want to.

Many of my friends say that I am chatty; others notice that I don’t leave my room for days. It’s not that I don’t love conversations. But my apathy to cricket, body building and clothing secludes me out of many, and mostly comfortably so.

I like to know people, but I have this weird problem with handshakes. ‘Who will initiate it?’ ‘What if I lift my hand and he doesn’t?’ I relish conversations with strangers, but am anxious about meeting them. Especially overwhelming divas.

One may deduce that I am merely moody. Maybe there is some truth in the statement, but can moods affect a person’s attitude for so long and to such extents.

In my opinion, moods are phasic. Like an infectious splenomegaly, a mood can be a temporary protrusion, often provoking displeasure in our company. But ambiversion is an incessant stream, a breathing, beating part that makes you ‘you.’

I have been staying alone in medical college hostels, shifting rooms, year after year. At brief moments, I have this vision of staying alone in a desolate hill. In silence, in solitude, in probable bliss.

At other moments, I lie on my bed, with lights off and eyes wide awake asking myself this, ‘Do I really stay alone?’ ‘How did I manage to stay alone all these years?’

I thought that only I am this complicated mess, this interspersed land of verbose and taciturn territories.

But no, I found out that there are many others like me esp. in this day and age. In my hostel, in my college, on this blue planet. Some who have found themselves, some who are yet to.

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